Ahoy! There have been many words in the last few weeks which I have meant to publish here but haven’t had the chance to. Fear not! Little has been missed! For most of these words have been some variation of “God DAMN we have a lot of crap” or “Seriously, do we REALLY need to keep that crap?” or “Man, do you need to go take a crap or something?”1 Yeah, so, we’ve been packing for our move this weekend which has been a little hectic and alot more malodorous than expected. Additionally, I have a lovely cold. Not a serious stay-in-bed-and-moan-over-the-snot-infested-status-of-your-sinuses brand of cold, but a sneezing-in-clusters-of-three-at-the-most-inopportune-times-like- when-you-have-a-hand-full-of-tiny-little-beads-that-you-intended-
to- put-away-for-future-necklace-making-but-didn’t-get-a-chance-
to-because-your- sneeze-propelled-them- all-to-the-far-corners-of-
your-carpeted-bedroom brand of cold. Good times! (Ahh-CHOO!)
We did manage to take a break from all the packing and the sneezing (though, unfortunately, not from the farting) to sit down for a food tasting for our wedding reception dinner. The Brit, Dochechka2, and I went in there fully intending to place our napkins on our laps, take small, polite bites of the food selections, chew our food to completion before swallowing, and not talk with our mouths open. I swear. Every intention. But, our behavior at the dinner last night could more accurately be described as a relay race to see who could stuff the most bacon-wrapped scallops in their mouth straight from the heated chafers, pound a vodka tonic and/or glass of champagne, and then make it back to their seat to stick the landing. I don’t recall who won the race, but I’m pretty sure the catering manager caught onto what was going on and made special notes about us in her file…probably something along the lines of “Note to self: These folks are simple, just wrap everything in swine and pan-fry it.”
1. There’s no way to put this delicately…I think The Brit might have accidentally consumed a skunk or some equally odoriferous gamey animal which is now making it’s way through is GI tract and announcing it’s progress quite frequently by means of rapid-fire flatulence. Stand back!
2. She’s opinionated and she loves food, so we put our money (quite rightly) on the idea that she’d be opinionated about food. She was our tie-breaking vote. And she ate the last friggin’ bacon-wrapped scallop. Bitch!
