Archive for April, 2008

Another plus: He can get that nose ring he’s always wanted

Published April 30, 2008 my family novela 4 Comments

Cancer.  It’s an ugly, frightening word and even uglier still when it’s associated with someone you love.  Unless that someone you love is my 82 year old grandfather…my Abuelito  chooses to look Ugly and Frightening in the face and, instead of running and crying, he craftily slips a whoopee cushion onto their seat and a fake pile of plastic poo onto their dinner plate.  That’s how he rolls.  And he called me today to tell me about it:

Abuelito:  Hola, mi doctora!!!

La Cubana Gringa:  Hi Abuelito!  

Abuelito:  I’m calling you to tell you I have cancer!!  Ha!

LCG:  WHAT??

Abuelito:  Oh, the dermatologist found a little something on my nose.  No big deal.  He’s going to whack it out in a couple weeks.

LCG:  Well, what kind of cancer is it?

Abuelito:  Oh, I don’t know.  Can’t remember the name.  

LCG:  Well, it’s important to know!  There are several different types and all of them have different prognoses.

Abuelito:  Well, start naming all the skin cancers you know and I’ll tell you if any of them sound familiar.

LCG:  Well, there’s Basal Cell Carcinoma and Squamous Cell Carcinoma and Melanoma…and then there are things like Seborrheic Kerratoses or Acanthomas that are usually benign…

Abuelito:  Yeah, it’s one of those whatchamaloma’s. 

LCG:  Abuelito…they ALL end in “-oma” come on!  Some of these metastasize…they can get into your liver or your lungs…this is serious!

Abuelito:  No, no no…don’t worry mi doctora!  My cancer hasn’t metastasized!

LCG:  Oh yeah?  How do you know?

Abuelito:  Have you SEEN the size of my nose!  There’s no way it’s gotten through that thing!*

LCG:  …

Abuelito:  Listen.  Don’t worry.  Look on the bright side…if they have to cut a big hole out of my nose…it’ll be an improvement!  One more hole to breathe through! 

*  As you can imagine, this highly scientific hypothesis of his didn’t satisfy my need to know his diagnosis.  I’m going to call his doctor first thing in the morning.  Let’s all pray for Basal Cell. 

UPDATE:  Our prayers worked!  It IS, indeed, Basal Cell Carcinoma…invades locally but rarely ever metastasizes.  Phew!  I’m going shopping for celebratory nose rings right now!

Hey! It would eliminate the cake-cutting fee!

Published April 28, 2008 ay Dios mio 5 Comments

Now is about the time when it would be good to know a cake maker who owed me a favor.  Preferably a three-tiered, chocolate ganache-covered favor.  Because you know what?  Wedding cakes are FUCKING EXPENSIVE!  I chuckled dismissively when the first cake maker I consulted quoted me a price of $6 per serving.  Surely, she couldn’t be serious?  Turns out, she was serious.  And, also, she’d rather that I didn’t call her Shirley. 

Shirley is not alone.  Apparently, $5 to $9 per serving is the going rate for wedding cakes these days in the bay area.  And that’s not including any additional tacky marzipan flowers or doo-dads you might want on there.  Nor does it include the taxes, the delivery fees, OR the set-up fees.  It DOES, however, include the premium, penthouse suite at the Omni Hotel in which your cake maker plans to take the absurd amount of cash she just ripped from your white-knuckled hands, pile it high onto the king sized bed, and roll around in it.  While laughing maniacally at you behind your back.  And spraying accessory bottles of Dom Perignon around in celebration.  

Just for shits and giggles…let’s do the math:  $7 times 150 guests is…let me see here…zero…carry the three…tack on the ten…A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY!  For cake!  Which…last time I checked, is made of flour.  And eggs.  And sugar.  Did I miss the memo that went around mandating that from here on out, premium, organic California-grown heroin should be a staple cake ingredient?  Because that would sure explain a LOT.  (Particularly the euphoria I get when I eat cake.  And the strong urge to take a nap when I come down from it.  And, also, the itching.)  

I have a mind to buy out Costco’s supply of Jello chocolate pudding cups and serve THOSE at our wedding.  Peel back the foil lid, stick a flower1 in it and…TADAHHHH!  Wedding pudding!  

 

1.  I don’t know, though, “wedding” flowers aren’t cheap either.

It’s not like they’re endangered or anything…GOD

Published April 24, 2008 giggle guffaw snort , niblet 3 Comments

Have you ever been faced with the uncomfortable sensation that the person you’re talking to can’t seem to make eye-contact with anything but your boobies?  Cuz I sure get that all the time…

 

A lesson that can be applied in many of life’s circumstances

Published April 22, 2008 niblet Leave a Comment

Overheard in the supermarket today…

Mother to her son: Jeffrey! Don’t! Do not…(SIGH)…If you…JEFFREY!! IF YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT, YOU NEED TO BUY IT!

Ain’t that the truth.

This does kinda explain the gentle yet powerful authority with which He speaks

Published April 21, 2008 giggle guffaw snort 3 Comments

I was going through the household mail the other day, separating out each of the roommates’ mail into their designated slots, and I came across the latest copy of Spin Magazine addressed to this guy (with one of my roommates’ last names) at OUR address:

Who knew one of my flatmates was the very embodiment and earthly manifestation of the son of God!?  And furthermore, that He is all up to speed on what Death Cab for Cutie and My Morning Jacket are up to these days!? (Rock on, Jesus!!)  Perhaps we shouldn’t move out of this blessed house after all!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you my engineer boyfriend

Published April 20, 2008 hands off/he's mine 3 Comments

It truly baffles the mind that The Brit, who is presumably familiar with the laws of physics, doesn’t seem to comprehend that a hot pizza, when carried like a book under one arm, will react thusly to the forces of gravity:

All in all, it was far more complimentary than that time she told me I was a “good eater”

Published April 18, 2008 my family novela 6 Comments
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The other day I got quite a lovely card from The Brit’s Mum, Lulu, who lives in the far away land of England where we don’t get to see her nearly as much as we’d like. She wrote the card to me on the anniversary of her daughter, Dani’s, untimely death and said many wonderful things about how she’s certain that Dani and I would have gotten along very well. That I am like a ray of sunshine and they’re very happy to have me joining the family. And, in a gesture of generosity and thoughtfulness that I’m beginning to see is not uncommon to The Brit’s family, she offered to buy my wedding bouquet for me in memory of Dani who she said would have “surely been out to catch it with some US hunk in mind.”

I know I usually write about the shits and giggles of life on here, but this was just too sweet not to document. Here’s to having a mother-in-law who will surely rank higher than cheese on my list of favorite things! And Dani, if you’re reading this in heaven (surely they have wifi up there?), know that you’ll very much be with us in spirit on our wedding day…as you are every other day of the year. xoxo

I draw the line at Nipple Mutilation though!

Published April 15, 2008 blogishness 3 Comments

I logged on to WordPress today after a couple weeks of flagrant blogligence1 and realized, much to my surprise that, despite my absence, No Method, Just Madness has not been suffering from a lack of readership!  I thought I’d find my blog pulseless and apneic, but hey!  We’re still goin’ strong over here!  Forget the fact that nearly 100% of my visitors of late have either arrived here by a slip of the mouse or in search of unsavory things like pictures of “perianal abscesses” or “nipple mutilation.”2  I’ll take what I can get!  (Welcome Perverts and Scumbags!  Step right in!)

Seriously.  It’s been a while, I know.  It’s tough…because it seems like JUST when all of these interesting and highly entertaining things are happening to me, I have the least amount of time to write about them! Which is a bummer because there are stories that very much deserve to be told!  Like the one about the “chastising belt!”3 Or the one about my dream/nightmare involving Chris Farley as an undercover gangster.  Or the one about the Great Honeymoon Registry Debacle in which The Brit got so upset that he asked to speak to the manager so he could, and I quote, express some “extremely negative comments.”4  Or the one about going down to Palm Springs for a friend’s bachelorette party only to realize that it was smack dab in the middle of one of the biggest annual lesbian convention weekends.5   You can’t make this shit up, people!  And yet…sadly, NO TIME!  

I shall make more of a concerted effort.  And if I fail, in the very least, I’ll post an effin’ picture of a perianal abscess so that at least SOME of you who visit here get what you came for!

  1. blog + negligence = blogligence.   
  2. Both are actual google searches that have led people to this site.   Clues as to the quality of my content.  (Why I have not won a Pulitzer, I will NEVER know!)
  3. Like a Chastity Belt only MORE condescending and derogatory!
  4. Yet another testament to the fact that The Brit is entirely too reasonable.  All I have to say is, if you want to do a honeymoon registry, don’t go with DestinctiveHoneymoons.com…they tell you there are no hidden fees, but guess what!?  There are fees!  And they are quite hidden!  LIARS!!! 
  5. Suffice it to say, the lesbians did not take too kindly to the anatomically correct, one-testicle-hanging-lower-than-the-other, penis straws sticking out of our poolside cocktails! 

madness forgiven, not forgotten

a

Hark!

The madness featured here is mine and mine alone. It does not, in any way, reflect the madness of my employers, colleagues, patients, nutty family, or my colorful friends. The privacy of my employers, colleagues, patients, nutty family and colorful friends is sacred & deeply respected, so no names. All words Copyright © la cubana gringa, no method, just madness 2006-2010. All comments © their authors. Don't steal; it's not nice. (And my Grandfather knows people.)

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